Extension of Toilet Humor...
I recently read a blog post by a fellow blogger, Courtney. She brought up a topic that is funny because you don't think of these things seriously until afterwards when you think back.
Toilet humor is some of the best. I try to go as much as possible at work because I firmly feel that it is your right to get paid to go. (I kid, I kid)
Women are funny about using the restroom. Being a guy, all we really want to know is what yall do in a one-seater bathroom when two (three) of yall go at the same time? Truly a mystery every guy has tried to find out, only the answer was probably not as interesting as they had hoped. Still, we chalk it up as a lie and continue to think the best. Does one act as the bathroom attendant or guard while waiting their turn? Does one fold the paper towels nicely for the other? I dunno.
I’ll give the women who read this a little insight into a guy’s restroom world. When guys go, it’s usually a process much like shopping. Go in knowing what you want to do, do it, and get out. Normally you stand at the urinal, looking straight ahead. In a perfect world it would be this easy, but every once in a while you’ll get a chatterbox next to you. This person thinks they need to break the tension by conversation. Plus, these people normally think that they have to look at you when they talk. This is the one time that looking someone in the eye during conversation is not polite. Sort of odd and uncomfortable in the same way. Is asking, “Did you see that shot Tiger made at the Nelson?” really that important? I’m thinking these guys are the same guys who are horridly afraid of phone silence and feel the need to be the first to break the ice. For me, it’s normally quick yes or no answers and the occasional nod and that’s it. What’s worse is when they get going on a story and you finish. Then what are you supposed to do? Some feel obligated to stay and listen. Personally, I finish and leave in the middle of their story.
Of course sometimes you get the old man who is the grunter. I mean, what’s so tough about it? Maybe I need to get old to figure this one out.
And the guy who lets out the “Ahhhhhhhh....Hmmmm” I mean WTF? Bathrooms are not the place for moans and groans. No one wants to hear that. How distracting when you have a job to do.
The spitters are quite common too. These people think that they need to spit in the urinal before they go. I never have figured out what this does. Lubricate the plumbing? The dad’s who started passing that down the gene pool are morons.
What about the times that you’re in a stall and you begin to play games. It’s quite fun. You look at the shoes of the person next to you and try and guess who it is. This can turn into many hours of fun and enjoyment. Depending on which side the exit door is from your stall, if they have to walk in front of you, you try to glance through the crack in the stall door to see if your shoe predictions were right. And then once you figure it out, you laugh to yourself and say, man, that guy is nasty. I’m sure girls are like, those shoes are so cute! I'm going to ask her where she got them.
Another thing that cracks me up when you’re in the stall is the guy who you hear come in and shut a stall door, but it takes them 5 minutes of tearing TP for the nest that they need to build. How dainty of them to sit on a TP nest.
Toilet humor is some of the best. I try to go as much as possible at work because I firmly feel that it is your right to get paid to go. (I kid, I kid)
Women are funny about using the restroom. Being a guy, all we really want to know is what yall do in a one-seater bathroom when two (three) of yall go at the same time? Truly a mystery every guy has tried to find out, only the answer was probably not as interesting as they had hoped. Still, we chalk it up as a lie and continue to think the best. Does one act as the bathroom attendant or guard while waiting their turn? Does one fold the paper towels nicely for the other? I dunno.
I’ll give the women who read this a little insight into a guy’s restroom world. When guys go, it’s usually a process much like shopping. Go in knowing what you want to do, do it, and get out. Normally you stand at the urinal, looking straight ahead. In a perfect world it would be this easy, but every once in a while you’ll get a chatterbox next to you. This person thinks they need to break the tension by conversation. Plus, these people normally think that they have to look at you when they talk. This is the one time that looking someone in the eye during conversation is not polite. Sort of odd and uncomfortable in the same way. Is asking, “Did you see that shot Tiger made at the Nelson?” really that important? I’m thinking these guys are the same guys who are horridly afraid of phone silence and feel the need to be the first to break the ice. For me, it’s normally quick yes or no answers and the occasional nod and that’s it. What’s worse is when they get going on a story and you finish. Then what are you supposed to do? Some feel obligated to stay and listen. Personally, I finish and leave in the middle of their story.
Of course sometimes you get the old man who is the grunter. I mean, what’s so tough about it? Maybe I need to get old to figure this one out.
And the guy who lets out the “Ahhhhhhhh....Hmmmm” I mean WTF? Bathrooms are not the place for moans and groans. No one wants to hear that. How distracting when you have a job to do.
The spitters are quite common too. These people think that they need to spit in the urinal before they go. I never have figured out what this does. Lubricate the plumbing? The dad’s who started passing that down the gene pool are morons.
What about the times that you’re in a stall and you begin to play games. It’s quite fun. You look at the shoes of the person next to you and try and guess who it is. This can turn into many hours of fun and enjoyment. Depending on which side the exit door is from your stall, if they have to walk in front of you, you try to glance through the crack in the stall door to see if your shoe predictions were right. And then once you figure it out, you laugh to yourself and say, man, that guy is nasty. I’m sure girls are like, those shoes are so cute! I'm going to ask her where she got them.
Another thing that cracks me up when you’re in the stall is the guy who you hear come in and shut a stall door, but it takes them 5 minutes of tearing TP for the nest that they need to build. How dainty of them to sit on a TP nest.
posted by Josh at 7/01/2005 01:04:00 PM
2 Comments:
Hey, what's wrong with not wanting to sit on a nasty toilet lid. I personally wipe off the seat and lay down fresh TP for my buttocks to sit on. When I hear guys come in and just sit down and start taking care of their business, I wonder about them. In a men's restroom, there is usually pee on the lid, and even if there's not, it's still gross to sit on the same toilet as some 300 pound, hairy assed, man that has pimples all over his butt and probably has a hemroid that may have just bled a little on the seat by the time he finished wiping.
When I'm in the stall and I hear a friend at the urinal (distinguishing snort, sniffle, sigh, voice when talking to someone else, etc.) I like to grunt, groan, and let her rip. They're thinking that the guy in the stall is having a real hard time pinching a loaf, all the while, I'm in there trying to contain my laughter.
One thing that I've always wanted to do in a bathroom stall at work is to put a little lighter fluid on the ground around the toilet next to yours, and spray a line into the next stall. When someone comes in and gets settled on the toilet, light the stream of lighter fluid and watch them yank up their pants and run out. Although I've never had the nerve to do this, it sounds like an afternoon of fun.
Congrats on your blog Josh. Very funny stuff. Keep 'em coming.
Your know your sisters didn't marry dainty men. Neil saves his shit until he gets to work. He says that that's what the first 20 minutes of work is for. The worst part is the reason he saves it is because the ventilation to the restroom is tied to the air conditioner vent and the odor goes into the office where his boss works. Nasty Nasty!!! The other day I was at a Super Wal-Mart and I went into the handicapped stall. First I had to wipe the water droplets off the seat and I must admit I wanted to make a toilet paper nest, but didn't. Anyways I did my business and noticed that there was water on the floor around the toilet. I stood up, flushed and the water level kept rising along with my toilet paper and the bright person I am I flushed it again. It just kept rising and rising. I'm sure you want to know if it over flowed? The answer: It didn't know, it didn't while I was in there that's because I hauled ass like you've never seen. I didn't hear them announce for a clean up in the ladies restroom, then again I didn't need much at Wal-Mart anyways....
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